One Step at a Time

“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” - Lao Tzu

Defeated Climber - Dall·e AI

I fall to my knees, tears stream down my face, I look up at the last 100 feet to go and cannot fathom making it to the top. It might as well be 100 miles away. I can't do this. I shouldn't be here. I'm at 20,495 feet - the highest I've ever been - climbing on the mountain Salkantay in Peru, the summit is right there.

It's day two on this mountain, we've been climbing since midnight, it's currently 11 a.m. I didn't sleep at all in the tent, I'm beyond exhausted, I'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, my head hurts, I'm definitely hypoxic, I cannot feel my big toe on my right foot and I cannot deal with another false summit. I've already pushed myself beyond my limits, there's nothing left. If this ends up being another false summit, it will break me. I know it's not a false summit but that's where my mind jumps. We're off ropes, each free climbing this last bit, there is no danger here, that's all behind us - awaiting our return for the descent. The mountain has been showing us the entire climb why this mountain was revered by the Incas, why many people have perished on it and that we'll be very lucky to even be allowed to have the opportunity for a summit.

I feel the tears freeze to my face. What am I doing here is the conversation I start to have with myself. That thought starts looping in my head: What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What am I doing here? My mind is a runaway freight train. I ignore it - making it loop faster and faster and faster. When all else fails - you still have your breath pops into my mind.

I take a deep breathe - envisioning all of the energy in the universe coursing into my body. I exhale - envisioning that energy expanding. Harnessing my Qigong training. Deep inhale - energy going in. Deep exhale - energy expanding. Deep inhale - energy going in. Deep exhale - energy expanding. I hear the wind in one ear. One side of my face is very cold, the other very warm. I open my eyes to see the snow that's covering my knees, I start to notice each individual snowflake, it's very beautiful. My hand stirs the snow, moving the snowflakes in my field of vision around. Out of the corner of my eye I see the wisp of a cloud go by. I lift my head up to the sky - it's a wonderous deep blue. The rotor clouds roll by - some are above us, just out of reach - some are below - some are on the same level. The clouds are building up pops into my mind. Yes they are I tell myself and we have time, we're fine, my mind goes blank. The clouds direct my eyes to look at Machu Picchu - well below us but visible from where we are. I have a birds eye view, the mountains are so beautiful and they're all below us at this point. I feel like a condor soaring through the sky surveying the landscape. There's a lot to be said for being in the middle of nowhere, a place where very few people have ever stepped foot. A place where it's safe to drink the water from the streams. A summit that many people believe has never been summited (but it has). The beauty is surreal. The reality is jarring. If anything happens - you are on your own.

My mind feels invigorated. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Only 100 feet to go. I'm audibly talking to myself. Get... up... Right knee lifts up, right crampon squishes into the snow. Left knee lifts up, left crampon squishes into the snow. Each hand grasps an ice axe that is leashed to my harness and pulls them out of the snow. Just standing up leaves me exhausted. Okay, I'm standing - good. Catch your breath. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Now move - right foot moves forward. I'm exhausted again - that's okay - deep breath in, deep breath out, deep breath in, deep breath out. Move - left foot moves forward. I'm exhausted again - deep breath in, deep breath out, deep breath in, deep breath out. I feel myself starting to move into a cadence. Step - take a few breaths, step - take a few breaths, step - take a few breaths. I'm literally moving one step at a time. My mind is only focused on that step happening right then and there, not the next one, not the previous one, only this step...happening... right... now...

As I approach the summit, each step fuels me, invigorates me, instead of draining me. Adrenaline kicks in. My pace increases. Twenty feet from the top I start running - Ueli Steck style. I reach the summit, 20,595 feet, reflexively throw both hands and ice axes to the sky and let out a few triumphant screams, hoops and hollers. I proceed to sit down as I collapse into the snow and literally cannot stand anymore.

We spend 20 minutes on the summit - twice as much time as planned to give me as much time to recover as possible. When you reach the summit of the mountain you're only halfway there, you still have to get down safely.

When I look at photos and videos of this successful summit, this is what I think of. I do see the successful summit that everybody else sees that very few people have ever successfully done. But I also remember the struggle, how I almost didn't make it, how I pushed myself further beyond my limits - when I was already well beyond my perceived limits, how I pulled energy out of literally nothing, how I forced myself to just put one foot in front of the other, how I turned the negative thought train into a positive force to be reckoned with by letting my mind do what it does best - wander - observe - notice what is going on in that moment. How the mountain talked to us. How the mountain granted us safe passage. The times our journey almost ended. How we spent three days ice and rock climbing for a 20 minute summit. How when we successfully made it safely to our basecamp we were greeted with freshly fried trout from the stream that our tents were next to. Probably the best meal I'll ever have. How I told myself I'm never doing that again. How I couldn't feel my big toe for six months and how it was two years before it was back to normal. How we camped at Incan ruins that have never been excavated and was home to tens of thousands of butterflies. How we hiked on Incan trails that are still in use today. How when we got back to civilization after backpacking for 12 days and two successful summits, we sat in hot springs - all day long - and we did not say a word to each other but we all had the biggest smiles on our faces.

Your state of mind can make or break you. You can always push yourself further. You can always make energy out of nothing. Focus on your breath. Focus on this exact moment - be here now. Notice the beauty. Luck is a big factor.

You can do hard things.